And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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