i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
