I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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