Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
