I faked an abortion last night.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I party with great urgency now.
PANTIES FOUND
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
