Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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