I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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