Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize