i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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