Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
