i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
