I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
