I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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