We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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