Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
