I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Randomize
