Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
