got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
