there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
