My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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