they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
