I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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