I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize