I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
