you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
