Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
