I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
