he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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