I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
