The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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