i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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