Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
