Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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