Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
