Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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