Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
