I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
