i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
