drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
