She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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