If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
