I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
