well I can't set my house on fire every night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
