Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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