Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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