i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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