you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
