I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just pee around me
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize