I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
