This is not my ceiling
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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