just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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