Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
