The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
