Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
