Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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