It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
