Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
he high fived his dick after we had sex
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
