I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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