Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize