Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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