i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
