dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
