The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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